| Reinventing |
[08 Aug 2004|02:09am] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
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music |
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Rainbow - South border |
] |
For the first time in a couple of months i can really say to myself that im okay. Not okay as in happy just like before. But in some ways i believe im getting through and I'm already used to this being alone again. I stll feel bad when i remember him or when i see other couples who seems to be so in love just like "us" a couple of months ago... But its not as bad as it was before.
I was hoping that another couple of months after this day, I'd really be over him and all the pain. That when i remember what happened between us i can simply say that "it's his loss not mine".
As of now I'm trying to enjoy this new freedom. I remember a column i've read from the papers it said "do the things that you've never done when you're still with him, or get a new haircut and pamper youself". Getting a few drinks once a while or a few sticks would do fine. Not that I'm being alcoholic or a chain smoker of some sort. I wanted to enjoy only to a certain level of moderation.
But I'm done with that, I've also tried to reinvent myself. I've had a haircut and lost my long hair to a shoulder length layered hair.
Somehow i think its effective.
It's good to feel confident even when you're heart was torn into pieces. I was hoping that from that new found confidence I can regain real happiness and security even on my own.
RAINBOW
Fallin' out, fallin' in
Nothings sure in this world, no no
Breaking down, breaking in
Never knowing what lies ahead
We can really never tell it all, no no
Say goodbye, say hello
To a lover or friend
Sometimes we could never understand
Why some things begin with just love
We can never have it all
No no no ohh
But oh, can't you see
That no matter what happens
Life goes on and on
And so baby just smile
Cause I'm always around you
And I'll make you see
How beautiful life is
For you and me
Take a little time baby
See the butterfly's colors
Listen to the birds
That were sent to sing
For me and you
Can you feel me?
This is such a wonderful place to me
Even if there is pain now
Everything will be alright
For as long as the world still turns
There will be night and day
Can you hear me?
Yhere's a rainbow always
After the rain
Hittin' high, hittin' low
Win or lose, you should go
Yeah yeah
Getting warm, getting cold
Weather can be so good or bad
But baby, this is life so don't get mad
No no no
Cause ohhh
Can't you see
That no matter what happens
Life goes on and on
And so, baby, just smile
Cause I'm always around you
And I'll make you see
How beautiful life is
For you and me
Take a little time, baby
See the butterfly's colors
Listen to the birds
That were sent to sing
For me and you
Can you feel me?
This is such a wonderful place to me
Even if there is pain now
Everything will be alright
For as long as the world still turns
There will be night and day
Can you hear me ?
There's a rainbow always
After the rain
Life's full of challenges
Not all the time
We get what we want
But don't despair, my dear
You'll take it each trial
And you'll make it through the storm
Cause youre strong
My faith in you is clear
So I say once again
This world's beautiful
Let us celebrate life
That is so beautiful
So beautiful...
Take a little time, baby
See the butterfly's colors
Listen to the birds that were sent
To sing for me and you
Can you feel me?
This is such a wonderful place to me
Even if there is pain now
Everything will be alright
For as long as the world still turns
There will be night and day
Can you hear me?
There's a rainbow always
After the rain
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| Scared |
[31 Jul 2004|01:41am] |
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mood |
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afraid and insecure |
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music |
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Exchange of Hearts - David Slater |
] |
Another busy week has passed, i wonder how will i survive if it weren't for the stressful days i'm having at work. At least when i go home, i don't have much time to think and to feel lonely.
But there would still be times when that I would feel alone and lonely. Last night was one of those nights. I try to seek comfort from my friends. I wanted to feel loved, that even though he has turned his back on me, there are still other people who gives me much more importance. I just feel bad coz my bestfriend and i still have this "tampuhan". Just when we needed each other the most...
While i was writing this entry, I've come to realize why i was in such an awful mood last night... I was at the train station when i saw this guy. He have his back on me, but his girlfriend was facing my direction. She's pretty and the guy was holding her close when i realized that he looks a lot like my ex.
I don't now what to feel that time. I wanted to see if it's him, but what if it is really him, what will i do? will i hide, will i let him see me or even talk to him? I knew at that moment, I'm not ready to face him yet, much more to realize that he left me for another woman.
Maybe despite the strong personality that I'm playing, I'm still very much scared and afraid. Maybe that's the reason why i never asked him why he's leaving, why he's throwing away a love affair that was made in heaven or so i thought...
I'm afraid that while I am alone and still grieving, fighting hard to forget him, he has gotten over me and maybe i never even cross his mind. That maybe he's now looking at another woman's eyes loving her.
I wonder how i can get through all of these unscathed. If only he could feel as much pain as i've felt. Feel the half the fear i've experienced. Or if only I were in his place and understand what he has gotten into and what made him leave. Then maybe we both would realize our own mistakes and understand why all of a sudden we're throwing away everything just like that.
If only i was that brave to ask him why...
EXCHANGE OF HEARTS
David Slater
One-sided love broke the see-saw down
I got to get rough when I hear the grudge
And you went your way and I went wild
And girl, you'd understand if your heart was mine
If we had an exchange of hearts
Then you'd know why I fell apart
You'd feel the pain when the mem'ries start
If we had an exchange of hearts
I'd never wished a lonely heart on you
It's not your fault, I chose to play the fool
One day may come when you'll be in my shoes
Then your heart will break and you'll feel just like I do
If we had an exchange of hearts
Then you'd know why I fell apart
You'd feel the pain when the mem'ries start
If we had an exchange of hearts
When time turns the tables and soon I'll be able
To find a new romance
And then you'll remember my love warm and tender
Too late for a second chance
(Instrumental)
If we had an exchange of hearts
Then you'd know why I fell apart
You'd feel the pain when the mem'ries start
If we had an exchange of hearts
If we had an exchange of hearts
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| Just another sleepless night... |
[25 Jul 2004|03:22am] |
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mood |
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 lethargic |
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music |
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Every Now and Then - Earth Wind and Fire |
] |
I'm confused. I don't know what exactly to feel or to think... After the very sensational break up i've had, to which most of my officemates and bosses knew. I don't know where i am now. I'm not used to this... The thought that everyone i came across with knew that i've just had a heartbreak on my birthday. But that's not all that's bothering me...
A while ago i was at my lola's place, she asked me about my ex. She asked me why she isn't seeing him with me anymore. Why he stopped going to my house(my lola lives at the house next to mine). I don't know what to tell her. I told her not to ask. I think i kinda yelled at her and I'm feeling sorry about it. I'm just not used to people asking me questions that i can't answer or wouldn't want to answer.
I don't want to tell her why cause if i did, i'm afraid to breakdown and cry in front of her. I've always been very composed in front of my family. I don't want them to see me crying. The only person that i'm used to sharing up my problems with is my mom, but she died two years ago. And since then, I've always kept my problems to myself. To my family, I'm always the ideal daughter, ideal niece and granddaughter... I don't want them to see me breaking apart. I want to remain the ideal one at least for them...
I know i'm on the way to forgetting him. I started by deleting his numbers (although I've memorized it in my mind and in my heart), our pictures in my phone, have already removed our pic as my wallpaper, and the 199 special messages from him that i've saved on my phone from the time he was courting me up to our break up. I've done this with hope that soon, after erasing everything that would remind me of him... I can also totally erase him out of my mind and my heart forever.
But i've forgotten about the love letters that i've treasured. I've kept it with me all the time. I always have it where ever i go. But i'm planning on throwing that into fire soon.
Funny because when i watch movies or telenovelas on TV i always disapprove it when i see the girls throwing out letters or anything that would remind them of the guy who broke their hearts. Or if they send back things or gifts that they've received from the other person... I used to say na "bakit pa isasauli? binigay na yun eh!"
But now i'm planning to do the same.
Two days before my birthday and the break up, I prayed to God I wanted to ask for his guidance. That time I don't know where to stand anymore. If its still right to patiently wait for him even if I'm not hearing anything from him anymore. Or to finally let go of him. I can remember my friends' heartbreaks... That after a year or so of waiting for the guy they love, they'd just end up crying because the guy found another girl. I don't want that to happen to me. I'd rather know the truth than be blinded with the hope that he's coming back when in fact, he doesn't have plans of keeping his promise.
That night i pray for God to give me a sign, If i should forget him or still hold on to it. You know what? I cried the morning after, i got the answer i was praying about. There's this bracelet tha he has given me the first week of our relationship. And since the day he gave that to me, I never took it off neither it accidentally slips of my wrist. But i woke up and found it at the table next to my bed. My uncle told me that he found it on the floor.
Funny, maybe God really wants me to start letting go of him immediately that he answered my prayer in just a snap. After the sign and the final break up I'm really onto forgetting him. At least now I've started to accept that its over and he's gone. But it never would be easy. Sometimes i think i'm getting paranoid, I see him everywhere. At the train station, coffee house, mall or even at the office, only to find out later that it wasn't him. I don't know... maybe my heart wants to see him... But i can't let that happen at least not now, maybe when the time comes that i've finally gotten over him...
Every Now And Then
by Earth Wind And Fire
I think that the worst is through
I'm almost over you
I guess it was just a matter of time
I've started going out
How long can anybody go without
Before you start goin' out of your mind
Even so, I confess
There are times when my heart rules over my head
(Chorus)
Every now and then
I find myself wondering about you baby
Seems now and again
I can't escape the thought of all that
might have been
Every now and then
Morning's the hardest time
I wake up dreamin' 'bout you and I
Some days I can't remember them all
Evenings are painfull still
I can't help wondering if they always
will be
I can't help noticing this emptiness-
baby
I don't cry, every night
Just the ones when I feel like I feel tonight
(Chorus)
Every now and then
I find myself wondering about you baby
Seems now and again
I can't escape the thought of all that
might have been
Every now and then
(Bridge)
When I'm alone anytime I hear music play
When I reach, reach for the phone
Why does everything good
Make me think of you baby
(Chorus)
Every now and then
I find myself wondering about you baby
Seems now and again
I can't escape the thought of all that
might have been
Every now and then
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| A Gift |
[17 Jul 2004|03:24am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
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music |
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I'll Be Over You - Toto |
] |
I don't know where to start... What exactly to write... I cannot begin to describe what i feel... Today was supposedly a very important day for me. I should be celebrating and having fun. But I cannot... My 22nd Birthday and i've just received the "best" gift one could ever have...
From my first entries with LJ, i've mentioned about the "cool off" i've had with my last beau. Well as of today we've officially broken up.. He finally walked out of my life, no more turning backs... Before i thought i wanted to hear the truth because i believe that the truth will always set us free. It would hurt us but would also help us move on. I still believe on that. I just never thought it would be this painful. I thought I'm prepared to face anything. But its different when it struck us right in front of our faces.
A friend asked me if there was any third party on his part. I don't know what to think... Actually it's more on "i don't want to think of it anymore". It doesn't matter anyway, one things for sure... He's gone and this time its forever. I never bothered to ask him why or to plead him to come back or to throw him the most hurtful words one could ever give just to get even with the pain I'm going through. He told me his decision, i believed there's nothing i could do to make him come back and i respected that.
No matter how i loved him and love him still, I don't want to lose my self respect. I've given him my love and my everything and if it wasn't enough yet, then maybe it wasn't meant to be.
I just hope i could remind myself of these things over and over again. That i should forget him and move on... Because I know no matter how brave I seem to be, at one point or another there would still be times when I would want to see him again, hear his voice again... and have him love me again...
If only I haven't loved him as much as i did... If only he hadn't shown me that he was for real... that he loved me more than he loved anyone else... if only he hadn't told me that I'm his life and his everything... Then maybe, just maybe things would be a bit easier.
Up to now I could never understand what happened, what went wrong to an almost perfect love story. Before, i've dreamed of finding the one person who would love me more than i'll love him... Then God gave him to me. I never dreamed of it to end most specially in this manner. But it ended and i have to move on...
I'll Be Over You - Toto
Some people live their dreams
Some people close their eyes
Some people's destiny
Passes by
There are no guarantees
There are no alibis
That's how our love must be
Don't ask why
It takes some time
God knows how long
I know that I can forget you
As soon as my heart stops breakin'
Anticipating
As soon as forever is through
I'll be over you
Remembering times gone by
Promises we once made
What are the reasons why
Nothing stays the same
There were the nights holding you close
Someday I'll try to forget them
Someday I'll be over you
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| Loving him... |
[10 Jul 2004|02:28am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 restless |
] |
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music |
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Mariah Carey - My All |
] |
A couple of days after i last log in from LJ, i was hoping things would change. I tried to believe im okay. That i'm slowly getting used to the thought of losing him. That I'm ready to be alone again. I tried to be busy with work. But no matter how occupied i am with new things to do. Funny how all of a sudden there he'd pop out of my mind.
I was out with friends a while ago, having fun when all of a sudden memories rushed through me. How i wish he was there with me and my friends. Its hard to do the things we used to do together, or go places we'd go together, if only he was still here...
I still love him... so much that even if im hurting so bad, i cant even afford to get mad at him. Deep in my heart there's this part of me that accepts all of him including the pain of loving him. Now i understand what unconditional love means... I'm learning to accept things even if i dont understand, to be patient even if im dying to know the answers to my many questions, and to love him even if it brings you the pain of not being loved in return...
Its hard to be composed and to pretend you're okay in front of everyone, when in my solitude, I'm dying... Silently, I'm still here waiting for that someday when he'd be back to fulfill his promises.
He once told me that 'he wants me to be happy'. I just hope he knew that he's the only one who can make me truly happy... If i could have just one chance to be with him again, I'm willing to give my everything just to have his love back...
My All-Mariah Carey
I am thinking of you
In my sleepless solitude tonight
If it’s wrong to love you
Then my heart just won’t let me right
Cause I’ve drowned in you
And I won’t pull through
Without you by my side
I’d give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I’d risk my life to feel
Your body next to mine
Cause I can’t go on
Living in the memory of our song
I’d give my all for your love tonight
Baby can you feel me
Imagining I’m looking in your eyes
I can see you clearly
Vividly emblazoned in my mind
And yet you’re so far
Like a distant star
I’m wishing on tonight
I’d give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I’d risk my life to feel
Your body next to mine
Cause I can’t go on
Living in the memory of our song
I’d give my all for your love tonight
I’d give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I’d risk my life to feel
Your body next to mine
Cause I can’t go on
Living in the memory of our song
I’d give my all for your love tonight
Give my all for your love
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| Broken |
[03 Jul 2004|02:16am] |
| [ |
mood |
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depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Britney Spears - Everytime |
] |
This is my first entry ever to LJ, i've had a journal since time immemorial, its nice to put down in writing most of the important things that had happened. Every kilig moments that i love to keep not just in my memory but in my heart forever.
But of course, life wouldn't always be a bed of roses. There are also heartaches and heartbreaks. Those times when I cry as if there's no tommorow but everytime i fall i make it a point to pick up the pieces I've left behind. I've always been what they call "hopeless romantic". I believe that somehow there's this one guy destined for me. Who would love me as much as i love him and would make me his princess.
Almost a year ago I really thought i've found him. But then again i failed. Everything was perfect, he loved me more than i could have loved him, or so i thought. He went away for something, but when he came back it was different. By that time i realized he's not mine anymore. I'm slowly losing grip of him... I wanted to prevent things from happening. I tried to bring back old sparks but i felt that for him its gone.
He told me he wanted some time off, that he wanted space, ( the usual shit they say when they want to say its over). But he told me he's coming back i'm hurt but my heart wants to believe him. I don't want to wait for nothing but deep in my heart there's this little wish that he'd keep his promise... and yes, he'd be back...
I know most of you would think na tanga ako. Tanga nga siguro ako. But this is the only thing i'm holding on to. My reason to look forward to tommorow...
Everytime
Notice me, take my hand
Why are we strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me
Everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you, baby
I make believe that you are here
It's the only way I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy
And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby
I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song's my sorry
At night I pray
That soon your face will fade away
And everytime I try to fly, I fall
Without my wings, I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you, baby
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